“Old Diver Says…”

crab crop
I am not just a Hair Club for men member..

Dive Buddies, you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them.  In recent years some controversy has been centered around whether a dive buddy is an essential element of diving. Certain dive organizations are mulling about a certification for diving alone.  Incident reports in multiple diver fatalities often point to a mistake by one diver being responsible for the death of both.  From my own experience I know that the most dangerous marine animal I will encounter on any dive is another diver.  That said below are my musings on that denizen of the deep…the Dive Buddy.


Definition of a Dive Buddy:

Mickey Mouse Snorkel
That’s the most Mickey Mouse setup I have ever seen!
Ninja Mask
I am a unicorn!

A dive buddy is…

…a diver that reduces your chances of being eaten by a shark by 50%…100% if you see the shark first. (Yes, we’ve all heard that one.)

…any diver that does not own their own boat.

…a diver that has a lot of new gear that looks just like the stuff you lost after your last dive with them.

…a diver that dives in the same ocean with you while they were doing a solo dive.”

…an extra  piece of gear that you dive with so your spouse will stop yelling at you for diving alone.

…a diver that tells you he has another friend with “a much nicer” boat than yours.

…a diver that is two hours late for a dive because they forgot to set their clock for daylight savings time…six months ago.

…a diver that blames you for the bad visibility at the “new spot” they insisted on diving.

… a diver that promises only to tell their closest personal friend (that works for an internet dive magazine) the coordinates of that new wreck  you just found.

In that wetsuit you looked just like a Blue Fin Tuna.

…the diver that you ignore when you see them yelling and waiving frantically from the dock at 7:01 a.m. when you told them the boat leaves the dock at 7 a.m. sharp.

…the diver that claims a right to 1/2 of the lobsters in your game bag because after all diving is “a team effort.

Stick with me I’ll show you around down there.

…the diver that knows how big that 4lb. lobster you constantly brag about really was.

…the diver that asks you “What did you bring for our lunch?

…the diver that tells your friends, at every chance they get, about the time 3 yrs. ago when you jumped in the water without your fins even though they know you maintain a website where you criticize your dive buddies.

… the diver that lectures you on not diving alone after they advise you at the dive site that they have forgotten their mask… again!

snorkel kids
I know we are supposed to be the best spear fishermen on the planet but…damn it I’m hungry.

…the diver that you bore to death with the same old diver stories…that they pretend never to have heard before.

… the diver that shows up with six additional divers and says “Hope you don’t mind if I brought a couple of friends.

…the diver that says to you on your boat after a dive..“What, no diet soda?”

…the diver that always has your six which is why you can never find them.

…the diver that spots a shark (that you did not see) on every dive even while lake diving.

…the diver that swears when they run out of air in 10 minutes that they got a short fill while you still have 3/4 tank of air left.

…the diver that will “Catch you next time.” when you are filling up at the fuel dock.

“Do you like gladiator movies, son?”

…the diver that always has to work on the Saturday that you asked them to help clean the boat.

…the diver that you surface to find urinating off the top of the dive ladder.

… a diver, that at the end of the day, is your best friend for LIFE!



A New Dive Buddy is:

Doctors in extreme cases advise against diving if you suffer from hemorrhoids.
“I’m so pretty, I’m so pretty and witty and…”

… the best diver that ever entered the water and is not afraid to tell you so over and over again.

the worst diver that ever entered the water.

… the diver that asks you while gearing up…”Is this thing the regulator?”

… the diver that tells you on the way out to the dive site…“Don’t worry about me, I not that scared.”

…the diver that says… “I have never gotten seasick in my life!”

…the diver that pukes on your boat before you leave the dock.

…the diver that always brings his “brand new” spear gun.

…the diver that always asks…“Do you know where the safety is?” on his brand new spear gun.

…the diver that says, “You don’t have to worry about me getting lost during the dive, I am going to hang on to your tank.”

…the diver that on the way out to the dive site says, “My last buddy drowned, but I’m sure it was not my fault.”

…the diver that asks you just before stepping into the water, “Is there anything down there that you are worried about?” and you respond, “Just you!

…the diver that knocks their entire dive rig overboard in 200′ of water and asks if you wouldn’t mind going to get it for them.

…the diver that you bore to death with the same old diver stories because your old dive buddy stopped diving with you for some reason.

…your future best friend for LIFE!

A Dive Buddy over 60 years old is:

…a diver that thought drysuit was just a figure of speech.

…a diver that brags about learning to dive from a nice fella named Mike Nelson.  (Google it millennials.)

…was certified by the Social Security Adminstration

…a diver that has lived longer than you so shut up.

…a diver that returns to the boat with an endangered species on the end of a spear and swears it is their civic duty to keep the population low so that the animal stays endangered and does not become extinct.

…a diver that returns to the boat with an endangered species on the end of his spear and swears that the Marine Animal Protection Act does not apply to them because they are “Grand-fathered in.”

… a diver that wears a sundial for a dive watch.

…a diver that remembers first hand the day Davy Jones got his locker.

…a diver that swears they are a “Special Ops” diver for the AARP.

…a diver that has never logged a dive but knows they have done more than 36,500 dives, one a day for over 100 years, 30 of which were before the aqua-lung was invented.

…a diver that does not believe in decompression stops because they don’t have that much time left to live anyway.

…a diver that logs their colonoscope examination as a dive.

…a diver that refers to their remaining life expectancy as surface time.

…a diver that does not use a dive computer because they do not have a 60′ long extension cord.

…a diver that can’t figure out why, even in Palau, the vis is always strangely less than arms length.

…a diver that tells you he used to ride sea turtles in the rodeo.

…a diver that thinks you are their caregiver.

…a diver that brags about his old dive buddy…Jonah!

…a diver that will swear that they were on the high school swim team with Jacques Cousteau.

…a diver that says their hearing is bad because of all the diving they have done.

…any diver that ever dove with Chuck Nicklin.

…any diver that publishes an internet diver log and in which they refer to them self in the third person.

…the baddest ass diver on the boat.


A dive buddy is the diver that will tell the Coast Guard he was rescuing YOU when you drowned.

A dive buddy is a diver that if he drowns while diving with you it was your fault.

A dive buddy is a diver that if you drown while diving with him it was also your fault.

Almost all of these dive buddies incidents I have experienced personally. 








Feel free to email me with the ones I forgot to include.   Lajollasealife@gmail.com.

All rights reserved.  Copyright 2015 for all text, photos and other content by Dennis D. Burns, Esq.